For Sale:

                            Carbon Offsets

  I am offering for sale to you all a special deal! Drop your carbon footprint without ever lifting a finger (you're welcome)!

  Being a nice guy and known greenie I am offering to give up my lifestyle so you don't have to. For a small fee I will sacrifice my lifestyle and supplement your carbon footprint and, in turn, your conscience will be eased. For a mere $100.00 I will decrease my carbon footprint for you. You then can drive your SUV and use your dryer with a smile. You can choose from different packages. Some of the things I plan to do to lower emissions are...

 Eat more steak plan:

 This is a genius plan! I will use some of the money you send me to but juicy sirloin steaks thereby taking cow meat from the store shelves. This will, in turn, cause them to have to restock which takes cows from the field thereby reducing harmful bovine flatchulence. I will send you a certificate and the bones from the steak as proof and then you can brag to all your tree hugging liberal friends that you are doing your part.

  Eat less gassy food plan:

 I will eat less foods that give me gas. This will thereby reduce my methane output for you. Eat all the beans and whole grains you like and fart away! I will sacrifice for YOU! My lady recommends this plan by the way.

  Hold my breath plan:

 I will hold my breath two or three times a day for near thirty seconds. This will cause me great discomfort but for you and the earth it is worth it.

  Plant a tree plan:

 I will sacrifice and landscape....I mean, plant a tree in my yard. Know that you dollars will go to making my yard lush and green while producing vital oxygen to offset your Suburban's gaseous emissions.

 So, for a mere $100.00 per year I will sacrifice and you can live it up to Algorian proportions! I think he (Algore) would be proud of me. Don't miss out because as we all know, humans are the cause of this globe getting hot! Don't let another Polar Bear die! PLEASE! Send your money today.